Joseph and I tried to have a baby for 13 months. It was so much harder than I ever thought it could be. I like to think I’m a pretty emotionally tough person (which can be a good thing AND a bad thing at times) , however that image I had of myself was broken into a million pieces after months and months of negative pregnancy test. I’ve had a fear that I wasn’t going to be able to have children ever since I was in high school. Thats a really dumb thing to fear when you’re only 16 years old and don’t even know where you’re going to college yet. I’m convinced the enemy was planting those seeds of fear in my brain in hopes that someday I would be in a situation where those fears would have something to latch on to.
You know that phrase, You’ve won the battle but you’re not going to win the war, I think of that phrase a lot when I think of our journey to start a family. While Joseph and I tried to get pregnant, there were a lot of days I was a wreck, and gave into those fears 100%. I believe Satan was celebrating because he had won that little battle for the day. HOWEVER. The Lord knows and has always known the desires of my heart. He KNOWS my desire to be mom. He also knows my desire to adopt. While some of those days I felt like I basically drowning in fear, God was working even if I couldn’t see it. When Joseph and I thought the way our family was going to start was by getting pregnant, having a baby, then some day adopting. God had a little different plan. I started having the thought in the beginning of 2018 that maybe our first child was not going to be biological. I keep brushing that thought to the back of my mind because I was so caught up in wanting to KNOW I could carry a child. Somehow, by the grace of God, literally, that desire of needing to know I can carry a child started to fade and the desire to adopt kept growing.
When I got up enough courage to tell Joseph I felt like God is calling us to adopt our first child, I was a little nervous. Looking back at it, I have no idea why I was nervous. I mean Joseph is freaking awesome. Why would I be nervous? Turns out I didn’t need to be. Shocker! Joseph didn’t act shocked or surprised and was totally open to the idea. A couple days later we had a friend tell us she had a dream a couple months back that I had been pregnant for a long time, and that i didn’t have a pregnant belly. She had zero clue that Joseph and I had just had a conversation about pursuing adoption for our first child. That was one of those God moments where He gave us that extra little nudge to know that this is His plan and it has been is plan all along.
Ever since Joseph and I started this adoption journey all that heart ache I experienced from months and months of negative pregnancy tests is gone. I still remember the heart ache. Very well. But my heart doesn’t feel bruised anymore. I can be HAPPY when I hear close friends announcing their pregnancy. My heart doesn’t hurt when I walk past all the baby clothes at Target. I believe thats because we let go of the plans that we were trying to make happen and stepped into what God has been telling us. You hear it ALL THE TIME, but Gods plan is seriously better than anything we could have imaged. This adoption journey isn’t anywhere near over. We still have lots of things to do and lots of money to save and raise, but even when things seem crazy and chaotic, there is still that peace that this is where God has called us. That peace beyond all understanding. I’ve also realized He gives us a JOY beyond all understanding. So I encourage you to step into that. Let go of all the unnecessary worry and stress your holding on to and ask the Lord where He is calling you. When you realize you can have peace and joy thats not attached to ANYTHING you can control, man alive. Thats a good feeling!
Thanks for reading guys! Your support means the world to Joseph and I! If you feel called to support us financially, you’ll find the link to our GoFundMe page below!